And He answered and said to them, “Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female, and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” Matthew 19:4-6

I, Genie Alice, take you Nate, to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; until death do us part.

Hi everyone! I read this story today (see link below) at the Washington Post website. Please take a minute to read it so that you will know what I’m talking about, if you have time.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/ lifestyle/magazine/a-family-learns-the-true-meaning-of-the-vow-in-sickness-and-in-health/2011/11/04/gIQAahyAdP_story.html

It is a beautifully written story, and it moved me to tears today. But I have a lot more to say about it.

I know there are all kinds of things that can happen in a marriage, but brain injury/stroke is the one that’s affecting me, so that’s what I’m going to talk about.

Nate and I were married for six months when this tornado ripped through our lives. I’m embarrassed to admit how many people suggested to me that I could easily have our marriage anulled and that perhaps that’s what I should do. I want to be pretty bluntly honest with you right now. This life is NOT what I had dreamed of or hoped for. Nor is it what Nate hoped for. I feel this woman’s pain…it is really, really hard to lose your partner. He’s still with you, but everything is totally different. “Marriage” takes on a whole new meaning as a huge amount of responsibility is shifted onto you. Not only day to day responsibilities that you formerly shared, but also the role of caregiver, nurse, teacher, advocate, receptionist and therapist. And the person who you would have shared your stress with, you can’t - he’s under enough stress, after all, and probably could not handle yours too. What I’m trying to say, is I get it…I get that she desired to have a “real” husband - someone to lean on, to spend time with, to have a real conversation with. I don’t fault her for having those feelings. We are all mere humans.

But, when Nate and I took our wedding vows, there was no fine print. We didn’t say, for better, for worse, in sickness and in health. Unless you change. Unless something happens and you aren’t the person I thought you were going to be.

I have met and become friends with other caregivers of people with brain injury and stroke. And these people are fighting, every single day, to do what is best for their loved one. We research and read everything we can get our hands on, we try to cram as much therapy into a day as we can, we try to give them a fulfilling life, maximize their recovery, desperately grasp at anything we can to bring back any little brain cell possible. None of us are perfect, and some days are really hard. But you love him, and you promised him that you would be there. And on the good days, when you see a glimpse of who he used to be, and you see him get better and work hard, you love him even more and know that you’ll keep doing everything in your power to help him recover.

To be perfectly honest, this article was a slap in the face of these people. It glamourizes and praises a woman for breaking her vows. I know she is still in his life and caring for him. I commend her for at least that. It also can dash the hopes of those of us who are hoping and praying for total or near-total recovery…just because he’s not exactly who we was before…should we not still hope for that? Still pray for that and work toward it?

Disclaimer: I know that what I do and what others do is not the right decision for everyone. I hope anyone who is divorced and reading this does not think I am criticizing them…I am most definitely, definitely not. I can only speak for my own life, but I just felt like there had to be a rebuttal to this story.

When we get married, none of us end up being exactly the person our spouse thought we would be.

Life circumstances, illness, brain injury, Alzheimer’s, depression…so many things affect who we are ultimately. But there wasn’t any fine print. I promised I would be there, no matter what. So I, along with thousands of other caregivers and spouses, will keep fighting to hang on to our marriages, to encourage our loved ones, and roll with the punches. I’m so glad I stayed when some told me not to. In spite of some really hard days, Nate loves me and I love him, and God has used this to teach us so much and grow in Him.

I’m sorry this blog post was a bit of a rant. It all comes from love, I promise!!

Love in Him,

Genie Alice